Relationship experts claim a healthy marriage is a collection of selfless acts. Rubbish. There’s nothing more selfish than marriage.
Since my wife and I started dating four years ago, I’ve made it a point to perform selfless acts of love daily (or so I thought).
But I’ve never talked about marriage before because it’s a touchy topic — like politics, everyone has a strong opinion, but nobody really wants to hear yours.
So why am I writing about it today? Because I realized a stinging truth — the selfless acts I do for her are really for me. And that’s an idea worth exploring.
Here are three selfless acts I’ve been doing for my wife since our first date:
Taping her mouth shut
Not like that you sicko.
Whatever conversation she’s having, that’s the most important thing. So I encourage her to imagine me placing a piece of tape over her mouth after she speaks to someone.
To help remind her to listen with the intent to understand, not merely wait her turn to spew out whatever thought bubbles to the tip of her tongue.
Now she gets compliments for being a great conversationalist by simply talking less and listening more.
Of course she’s not perfect, but by placing this invisible piece of tape over her mouth whenever she converses with someone has been useful.
Taking a step back
Shopping is one of her greatest strengths. I feel sorry for any hidden gem lying around our local estate sales and thrift stores. Because she doesn’t play around when it comes to shopping. She’s like a lion hunting poor little gazelles.
But I encourage her to take a step back before swiping her debit card and ask, “Do I really need ANOTHER 19th century crystal flower vase right now? Or am I just buying it because of the dopamine hit I get after finding a good deal?”
Now she recognizes how all those little impulse buys add up over time. And can lead to financial death by a thousand cuts.
Of course she still splurges from time to time, but remembering to take a step back has been useful.
Flooding her senses
I want her to have exposure to as many new experiences as possible — taste, touch, smell, see, and hear all the world has to offer.
We go explore local holes in the wall where it’s tough to tell if we’re in someone’s backyard or restaurant — the dingier the better.
I play all kinds of music while we do our Sunday chores. She gets to hear traditional Persian, Reggaeton, J. Cole freestyles, Oasis (from the early ‘90s of course), lots of Mozart, Hindi Geet, or whatever.
We make at least one trip to Athens, Georgia every fall to sneak into the student section of a UGA football game. Where we are surrounded by the deafening roar of 93,000 drunk obnoxious Georgia fans. There’s no better way to spend three hours on a Saturday.
I order a few new books off Amazon every month on philosophy, spirituality, business, sci fi, and then have to chase her down to read aloud the highlighted sections to her. I’m still working on that one.
But flooding her senses with all kinds of new experiences has been useful.
So what’s my point?
The reason I’m finally writing about marriage is because I realized I’m doing all these selfless acts for myself as much as for her.
By metaphorically taping her mouth shut, I’m reminding myself to shut up and listen.
By encouraging her to take a step back before her next impulse buy, I’m reminding myself to do the same.
By flooding her senses with new experiences, I’m flooding mine.
Marriage won’t necessarily make her a better person, but if I play my cards right, it could make me better.
P.S. — I cried more than she did on the big day.
Your thoughts? Please leave a comment.
Yes, after 20 years I can confirm that marriage is indeed a long process of trying to change another person in all the ways you should be different.
Good to know this for the near future :). I think it’s cool that you’re creating an experience and a learning environment for her and yourself. I see too many ppl in relationships creating neither and I‘m sure they’re worse off for it.