My husband and I have been together for 22 years (or 21 I'm not sure 😅) and for me one of the biggest things is that you have to be willing to have the difficult moments too. Too many people give up the minute life gets a little tricky. Work through it and your relationship will only improve.
This is what I came to the comments to say. Life isn't easy in any way, and sharing life with another can be darn near impossible. The valleys will always happen, but it makes the peaks so much more wonderful.
Service to each other is absolutely so key. A lot of our society today seeks a marriage to self fulfill vs seeking a marriage to serve. As someone who is a believer in God and seeking a Christ-centered marriage, this concept is something I’ve thought about a lot! It’s human tendency to be selfish and it takes a lot of work to rid ourselves of that selfishness to serve a partner. However, the beauty is exactly what you stated - when we decide to serve (even when it’s hard) a magical shift happens. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Sydney. I completely agree. We are naturally selfish and its no different when it comes to marriage or any of our relationships. But if we genuinely want to serve others without expecting anything in return then anything we do receive back is a pleasant surprise.
This was awesome, Arman. I read it aloud to my girlfriend which led to fantastically productive discussions between us. Aligned major values and not trying to change the other person are such great and keenly defined criteria to hit. Always great to get wisdom from a man who is a few steps ahead of me in life, so thanks for writing this :)
Dude I'm so happy to hear this. I often feel like a fraud trying to offer advice to others when I still have no clue what I'm doing most of the time. But I'm glad it led to a useful conversation for you both. Cheers my friend!
I totally get that tension! My partner and I have had our fair share of dinner duty debates. Your three marriage tips are spot on, especially about aligning major values and accepting each other as we are. Nine months in and you're already wise beyond your years! Keep sharing your insights.
You're lucky you got the chuckle on that one. In my experience it's worth erring on the side of those blurts, because some of them will bring you both closer to together and the odd one will cause a conversation that might be challenging, but ultimately its better that both parties know what the other really thinks, and that there is open dialogue about it. In the end a bond is created through that process that is irreplaceable.
I'm counting my blessings that she didn't throw that cast iron skillet at me.
You are so right. It's easy to hold back in hopes of keeping the peace and not wanting to rock the boat. But some of the most meaningful conversations can arise from sharing those silly little thoughts.
My first argument with the woman who became my wife was over how to fry an egg.
She, being Japanese, insisted that we fry the bottom and steam the top. I, being American, grew up in an over-easy household. There was no other way to fry an egg as far as I was concerned.
Ultimately, it was an argument about power and who was “right”.
Being married is mostly like that. The things we argue about aren’t really what we’re arguing about. The struggle is remembering that and taking time to step back and stay focused on the big picture—we’re in this together and we want the same things.
Oh, and who won the argument? Let’s just say we have a lot more Japanese-style fried eggs than American ones. 😅
Hahaha I'm glad I'm not alone in my cooking struggles. You're right. Most of the arguments over minor things are a substitute for something deeper going on.
Great advice!! Mine is “marry someone you are in flow with. Or someone you are confident you can work to get into a flow with when things inevitably shift or become challenging. Such as before you have kids and then again after! Each time something changes you need to be effective at communicating and getting into a new grove!”
Follow your bliss, find your flow, and marry the person who does the things!
Another lovely read. You are so on point with all those values, but I would argue they are important for any relationship (married or not married) if you want it to last. My partner often says: we choose for each other, everytime again. And that is so true. It's hard work, no matter what. We are never gonna get married (it's just not for us), but I do fully agree with you 3 points for a lasting relationship.
Wanting kids together is for me the ultimate sign: we are choosing each other.
Would love to know why you both wanted to get married!
Thank you Marie. It's such a pleasure to receive a compliment from such a great writer as yourself.
You are correct. These points are key to any of our relationships. From partners to friends to coworkers to strangers.
I briefly thought I would never get married either. I thought, "why do I need the government to acknowledge if I truly love someone?" But I changed my mind. I think marriage is the ultimate sign of commitment that you are willing to stick by someone through thick and thin. While I still realize that that can be done without getting married. Just my personal preference.
Haha weddings are definitely emotional. I was crying tears of joy my entire wedding day. But I still get teary eyed whenever I go to weddings too. There's something so beautiful about them.
I think you've got a good basis, there. I would only add a couple of other elements - humour and communication (which you and your wife also displayed in this story, too!)
I'm inclined to agree with you. It does seem like women are indoctrinated into the idea of getting married and having their value tied to being married. An unintended(?) consequence of that is getting involved with people they don't really know.
Usually is that, historically and traditionally, is the case but the State got involved. There needs to be a separation between Marriage and State. Marriage Licensing laws, Divorce, and getting tax advantages are all naturally oppressive against the Union of two individuals. If love conquers all and sharing a life with someone is indescribable, then why does the State need to interfere with it?
Excellent question. One that I asked myself many times before getting married. I agree, why does the government need to give me a stamp of approval to prove if I love someone?
Wow what an accomplishment. Congrats to you both Tom! I can only hope my wife is as patient with me as I continue to screw up over and over again. Anything I missed that you'd add?
I think you probably covered it with your third point, but I would not underestimate how hard it was for me to learn how to love unconditionally, which is to say that love predates and guides any judgment. What I like about how you did this was you kept it to three rules, short and simple, but they encompass so much of what I’ve seen in my long marriage. I hope you two get to read and reflect on them many times over the years.
Crazy to say, but I just saw this question pop up in my feed…. I am writing a book called Staying Together about improving communication between couples. The first six chapters are free on my stack right now,
I love this read. And you nailed it for someone who has only been married for less than a year. My wife and I have been married for 35 years as of this month. While every marriage demands work, we’re still hanging in there and working on it every day.
Thank you Stan. And congrats on your anniversary! What a tremendous accomplishment for you both. What else would you add? You clearly have wisdom to share on the topic.
Well… I’ve been married 38 years and I think you did pretty good! Here’s to many years together. I hope you’re still together together and can chuckle in 38 years. ❤️‼️ Many blessings.
I think the only thing I would add, which is really a application of what you already said, would be that if and when the hard times come, it’s worth staying and working through the issues. Very common advice is just that you’ve outgrown each other and it’s OK to move on. Maybe that’s true but I think I can make the case that if you don’t work through the issue, it will follow you into the next relationship. Also, there’s something special about a relationship that weathers the storms of life that several shorter relationships will never accomplish. Blessings!
That's such an important point that doesn't get the attention it deserves. I think we've been brainwashed by divorce lawyers that if you arent blissfully happy with your spouse 100% of the time then its a sign you need to get out.
My husband and I have been together for 22 years (or 21 I'm not sure 😅) and for me one of the biggest things is that you have to be willing to have the difficult moments too. Too many people give up the minute life gets a little tricky. Work through it and your relationship will only improve.
Haha who's counting? Relationships are easy during the good times. But the only way to strengthen them is during the rough patches.
This is what I came to the comments to say. Life isn't easy in any way, and sharing life with another can be darn near impossible. The valleys will always happen, but it makes the peaks so much more wonderful.
Absolutely Kate. If life and marriage were easy, where would the fun be in that?
Service to each other is absolutely so key. A lot of our society today seeks a marriage to self fulfill vs seeking a marriage to serve. As someone who is a believer in God and seeking a Christ-centered marriage, this concept is something I’ve thought about a lot! It’s human tendency to be selfish and it takes a lot of work to rid ourselves of that selfishness to serve a partner. However, the beauty is exactly what you stated - when we decide to serve (even when it’s hard) a magical shift happens. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Sydney. I completely agree. We are naturally selfish and its no different when it comes to marriage or any of our relationships. But if we genuinely want to serve others without expecting anything in return then anything we do receive back is a pleasant surprise.
“A lot of our society today seeks a marriage to self fulfill vs seeking a marriage to serve.”
That is a really wonderful way to put it, I love how that was written!!! Wow.
Agree, being selfish IS human.
This was awesome, Arman. I read it aloud to my girlfriend which led to fantastically productive discussions between us. Aligned major values and not trying to change the other person are such great and keenly defined criteria to hit. Always great to get wisdom from a man who is a few steps ahead of me in life, so thanks for writing this :)
Dude I'm so happy to hear this. I often feel like a fraud trying to offer advice to others when I still have no clue what I'm doing most of the time. But I'm glad it led to a useful conversation for you both. Cheers my friend!
Yup, learning from others a few steps ahead is a good life hack.
I think this is the most important: “you must serve and love your spouse without expecting anything in return.”
Definitely. And since its the most important it can also be the most challenging to constantly keep in mind.
I totally get that tension! My partner and I have had our fair share of dinner duty debates. Your three marriage tips are spot on, especially about aligning major values and accepting each other as we are. Nine months in and you're already wise beyond your years! Keep sharing your insights.
Thank you my friend. That means more than you know. I don't know if I'd claim to be wise. But I'm definitely trying to become less unwise every day :)
You're lucky you got the chuckle on that one. In my experience it's worth erring on the side of those blurts, because some of them will bring you both closer to together and the odd one will cause a conversation that might be challenging, but ultimately its better that both parties know what the other really thinks, and that there is open dialogue about it. In the end a bond is created through that process that is irreplaceable.
I'm counting my blessings that she didn't throw that cast iron skillet at me.
You are so right. It's easy to hold back in hopes of keeping the peace and not wanting to rock the boat. But some of the most meaningful conversations can arise from sharing those silly little thoughts.
My first argument with the woman who became my wife was over how to fry an egg.
She, being Japanese, insisted that we fry the bottom and steam the top. I, being American, grew up in an over-easy household. There was no other way to fry an egg as far as I was concerned.
Ultimately, it was an argument about power and who was “right”.
Being married is mostly like that. The things we argue about aren’t really what we’re arguing about. The struggle is remembering that and taking time to step back and stay focused on the big picture—we’re in this together and we want the same things.
Oh, and who won the argument? Let’s just say we have a lot more Japanese-style fried eggs than American ones. 😅
Hahaha I'm glad I'm not alone in my cooking struggles. You're right. Most of the arguments over minor things are a substitute for something deeper going on.
But hey, happy wife happy life :)
Great advice!! Mine is “marry someone you are in flow with. Or someone you are confident you can work to get into a flow with when things inevitably shift or become challenging. Such as before you have kids and then again after! Each time something changes you need to be effective at communicating and getting into a new grove!”
Follow your bliss, find your flow, and marry the person who does the things!
Thank you Kristen. I like all of your points. Marriage is never easy, but it's not that hard either if there's a natural sense of flow between you.
Another lovely read. You are so on point with all those values, but I would argue they are important for any relationship (married or not married) if you want it to last. My partner often says: we choose for each other, everytime again. And that is so true. It's hard work, no matter what. We are never gonna get married (it's just not for us), but I do fully agree with you 3 points for a lasting relationship.
Wanting kids together is for me the ultimate sign: we are choosing each other.
Would love to know why you both wanted to get married!
(I love weddings btw, always so emotional 😂)
Thank you Marie. It's such a pleasure to receive a compliment from such a great writer as yourself.
You are correct. These points are key to any of our relationships. From partners to friends to coworkers to strangers.
I briefly thought I would never get married either. I thought, "why do I need the government to acknowledge if I truly love someone?" But I changed my mind. I think marriage is the ultimate sign of commitment that you are willing to stick by someone through thick and thin. While I still realize that that can be done without getting married. Just my personal preference.
Haha weddings are definitely emotional. I was crying tears of joy my entire wedding day. But I still get teary eyed whenever I go to weddings too. There's something so beautiful about them.
I think you've got a good basis, there. I would only add a couple of other elements - humour and communication (which you and your wife also displayed in this story, too!)
Absolutely Lisa. Those are both critical. I think I'm hilarious but my wife might beg to differ :)
Oooo. Humor is SO important!
Marriage is the biggest risk a woman will take.
Read all of Zawn Villines’ work (primarily the green flags) prior to even consider getting married.
I had aligned values, serving, and giving without expectations. Then 9 years in he turned and attacked me.
Biggest risk you’ll ever take is getting married.
I'm sorry to hear that Jennifer. No advice is universally applicable. Marriage is certainly a big risk. But one that I still think is worth taking.
100%
I just think more women need to hear that it is a huge risk- as we are fed the fairy tale mostly.
I'm inclined to agree with you. It does seem like women are indoctrinated into the idea of getting married and having their value tied to being married. An unintended(?) consequence of that is getting involved with people they don't really know.
We tend to have blinders up and then don’t come into the relationship having gathered very necessary information.
Yep. A big risk needs to have the potential for a big reward or else it isn’t worth it.
Actually, I love being Single and would recommend being Married.
I loved being single too for a long time. But there's something indescribable about sharing your life with a spouse.
Usually is that, historically and traditionally, is the case but the State got involved. There needs to be a separation between Marriage and State. Marriage Licensing laws, Divorce, and getting tax advantages are all naturally oppressive against the Union of two individuals. If love conquers all and sharing a life with someone is indescribable, then why does the State need to interfere with it?
Excellent question. One that I asked myself many times before getting married. I agree, why does the government need to give me a stamp of approval to prove if I love someone?
Those are great questions.
I’ve been married 34 years and I’d say you got it exactly right. It took me 27 years to figure it out, but thank god she was patient.
Wow what an accomplishment. Congrats to you both Tom! I can only hope my wife is as patient with me as I continue to screw up over and over again. Anything I missed that you'd add?
I think you probably covered it with your third point, but I would not underestimate how hard it was for me to learn how to love unconditionally, which is to say that love predates and guides any judgment. What I like about how you did this was you kept it to three rules, short and simple, but they encompass so much of what I’ve seen in my long marriage. I hope you two get to read and reflect on them many times over the years.
I enjoyed this post. So much to learn before we know how to live well together.
It’s a marvelous mix of high and lows, with the one person who will always have your back (or at least that’s who they should be!)
I'm glad you enjoyed it Teyani. Anything you would add that I overlooked?
Crazy to say, but I just saw this question pop up in my feed…. I am writing a book called Staying Together about improving communication between couples. The first six chapters are free on my stack right now,
Awesome. Sounds like you've been knee deep! I couldn't imagine writing an entire book on one topic. Hope it's going well!
I love this read. And you nailed it for someone who has only been married for less than a year. My wife and I have been married for 35 years as of this month. While every marriage demands work, we’re still hanging in there and working on it every day.
Thank you Stan. And congrats on your anniversary! What a tremendous accomplishment for you both. What else would you add? You clearly have wisdom to share on the topic.
Well… I’ve been married 38 years and I think you did pretty good! Here’s to many years together. I hope you’re still together together and can chuckle in 38 years. ❤️‼️ Many blessings.
Thank you Wayne. You obviously can speak to this much better than I can. What else would you add?
I think the only thing I would add, which is really a application of what you already said, would be that if and when the hard times come, it’s worth staying and working through the issues. Very common advice is just that you’ve outgrown each other and it’s OK to move on. Maybe that’s true but I think I can make the case that if you don’t work through the issue, it will follow you into the next relationship. Also, there’s something special about a relationship that weathers the storms of life that several shorter relationships will never accomplish. Blessings!
That's such an important point that doesn't get the attention it deserves. I think we've been brainwashed by divorce lawyers that if you arent blissfully happy with your spouse 100% of the time then its a sign you need to get out.
“There’s something special about a relationship that weathers the storms of life that several shorter relationships will never accomplish.”
Just want to emphasize this sentence. This is absolutely true! It’s worth the hard work it takes to weather those times together.
Such a valid and often overlooked point.