[Repost] I love being married but wouldn't recommend it to anyone

a few practical thoughts on marriage

I wrote this silly little piece after recently getting married. Having no idea it would be my most popular essay by far. I just reread it and wouldn’t change a single word. Enjoy!

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Tuesday May 28, 2024. 6:07 pm.

My wife and I were standing nose-to-nose in our kitchen arguing over politely discussing the age old question: who had dinner duties?

There was a brief lull when I suddenly blurted out ten words that I thought may end my marriage on the spot, “I love being married but wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.”

Uh oh.

As soon as the words slipped out, I half-expected a cast iron skillet to come soaring through the air aimed directly at my big fat mouth.

But no.

To my surprise, she chuckled.

This relieved the tension in the room which allowed us to come to an amicable agreement. So I threw my apron on and started sautéing some onions.

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Any comedian worth their salt knows to make a mental note whenever they get an unexpected laugh from a conversation. Writers are no different.

So I took that sweet sound of my wife’s giggle as a sign to dig deeper.

What could I have possibly meant by that silly little thought? Would I really not recommend married life to a single soul?

Well, it’s complicated.

Too many people get married with eyes wide shut. Blinded by what they think is love. When it’s really just infatuation. But there’s nothing so clear-sighted as love.

You just gotta pry your eyes open and be keenly aware of three things before you make the biggest commitment of your life.

A word of warning: This isn’t a buffet where you can pick and choose what looks appetizing and ignore the rest.

If you can’t check all three of the following boxes, then please, don’t get married.

First, your values must align. But not necessarily all of them. Actually, definitely not all of them.

Because as lovely as it may sound, you don’t want to marry your clone. Ew.

Your major values must align. But you can safely toss aside the minor ones.

For example, a few of my wife’s minor values include: the thrill of thrift shopping, constantly tinkering with our home decor to make it look more mid-century modern (whatever the hell that means), and religiously watching every single reality show that airs on Bravo.

I couldn’t care less about any of these. And she (certainly) doesn’t care about mine. Which is totally fine.

Because our major values are in total alignment: we both have empathetic hearts who wouldn’t dare hurt a fly, we want to have two kids (names already selected), and we have no problem spending a premium on our health.

Focus on the majors, forget the minors.

Second, you must accept the fact that you will never fundamentally change your spouse no matter how hard you try.

Every time you think all will be well once they change for the better (aka become more like you) is a wasted thought. It’s trite but if you change then everything and everyone around you will change.

Focus on being a better spouse and your spouse will magically seem better.

I still need to remind myself of this one daily.

Third, and most important of all, you must serve and love your spouse without expecting anything in return.

Marriage isn’t a business transaction where one party only agrees to serve and love if the other promises to do the same. You gotta wake up every day looking for new creative ways to serve and love your spouse without ever expecting either to be returned in equal quantities.

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I was wrong. I guess it’s not that complicated after all.

I love being married but wouldn’t recommend it to anyone (without checking all three boxes): major values align, don’t try to change them, and strive to serve + love them without expecting anything in return.

If you choose to ignore them all, that’s fine. But make sure you’ve got a rock solid divorce attorney on speed dial.

What did I miss?

PS - I’ve only been married for 1 year and 9 months so I can’t wait to look back on this years from now and laugh at how certain I seemed.

Your thoughts? Criticisms? Complaints? Please leave a comment below.