I’ve been a marriage counselor for a while, like 40 years. There’s about 25 more “truisms”…my number one “add” would be, and this gets more vital once you squirt out some children, keep your marriage first in priority, and keep marital time: no work, kids, friends, family, whatever…sacred. Don’t unschedule it. Don’t push it. Talks, dates, vacations- just you two. Keep it sacred and unmovable. I enjoy your writing…
I love your list so far. I’d also consider adding “grow with your partner”…while you can’t change the other person, each of you will inevitably grow and evolve. Be willing to join them in that journey and evolve yourself. You won’t be married to the same person you married - but if you do it together - you’ll both be better versions of your old self. But if you expect them to stay the same… be prepared to call that divorce attorney you referenced…
Loved it. I have been married 28 years now. And for the past two years i have realised that agreeing with your wife all times(well most of the time) is very important.
If you are only agreeing to keep the peace, you likely will come to resent your wife. Your opinions matter too. And you can’t lie to yourself. You will know that you are betraying yourself by not speaking up.
Arman, if people head over heels in love would follow your three suggestions before tying the knot, my guess is that the divorce rate would drop about 80%. Thank you for sharing this helpful slice of wisdom.
Great article, Arman. Choosing to be with a partner for life can be scary. The same person, everyday. But the fact is, it’s never the same person. You will not be the same on the first day of marriage as you will be 50 years in. It’s how you grow together through all the things life may throw at you that really shapes not only who you are as a person but who you are as a couple. The vows we say can hit closer than we want sometimes…for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health…I have experienced them all. But a true marriage is built on stability, yes in each other, but it starts with the individual. If you truly know yourself and love who you are, the growth won’t be so scary. And each little thing you will go through together will create little scars. A toughness in places that matter. And that is where not only the love will grow, but the admiration for each other as well. Congratuations on your marriage. It’s the best (hardest!… well, besides kids… ;) thing you will ever do. I promise.💜
Marriage isn't a bed of roses. Unless both parties are committed to growth, I don't think it’s worth it. Also, after you have children your life changes forever. So, if you have kids, you need to find ways to keep the marriage alive — especially as it relates to emotional intimacy and sex. So many older couples suffer from ‘dead bed’. It doesn't have to be that way. It’s really a matter of priorities. We give attention to the things that matter to us. Also, if you're trying to finish up unfinished business with mom and dad, it wont work so well to do that with your spouse. That unfinished business needs to be resolved in therapy. We often project expectations onto our spouses that are unrealistic. We pine our hopes, dreams and often project romantic fantasies. I love the book, How to be an Adult in a Relationship by David Richo. It’s a good one. I learned so much about healthy love and relationships from that book. Relationships aren't easy, but when you truly love someone, you make an effort to stay faithful and loving towards them.
I will not either! I tell everyone of my friends if you want to get married because you want to be loved and accepted you are not ready to marry, if you want to love and cherish may be you are ready. Recently I told someone, love is not blind, infatuation is, love is knowing and recognising the good and bad, but still choosing to love and accept the person you marry for who he or she is. I am married for 35 years, we did not kill each other and hope to continue to love - choose to love and accept the other whether he is good or bad.
I'll say my first marriage ended after thirty years. I regret that. We grew apart and made many mistakes with each other. I still love that woman. I met another after a couple years. We were together for fourteen. She passed from cancer. I'm on my last now. Strangely we never fight nor do we raise our voices in anger. Our 2nd anniversary is Saturday the 21st. Solstice. I told my last wife we would be together until one of us died. I told Vicky (this one) that this time I must go first. The death of Renee hit me harder than the passing of my mother. Vicky is hereby bound to the world until I pass away. I've learned how to be a good husband and how to communicate and how to shut up. Respect for each other is ESSENTIAL. Avoid taking anything for granted. Love each other every day.
I’ve been a marriage counselor for a while, like 40 years. There’s about 25 more “truisms”…my number one “add” would be, and this gets more vital once you squirt out some children, keep your marriage first in priority, and keep marital time: no work, kids, friends, family, whatever…sacred. Don’t unschedule it. Don’t push it. Talks, dates, vacations- just you two. Keep it sacred and unmovable. I enjoy your writing…
I love your list so far. I’d also consider adding “grow with your partner”…while you can’t change the other person, each of you will inevitably grow and evolve. Be willing to join them in that journey and evolve yourself. You won’t be married to the same person you married - but if you do it together - you’ll both be better versions of your old self. But if you expect them to stay the same… be prepared to call that divorce attorney you referenced…
Yes. Everyone changes through time. I'm certainly not the 20 year old that married the wonderful girl.
Loved it. I have been married 28 years now. And for the past two years i have realised that agreeing with your wife all times(well most of the time) is very important.
If you are only agreeing to keep the peace, you likely will come to resent your wife. Your opinions matter too. And you can’t lie to yourself. You will know that you are betraying yourself by not speaking up.
Lol. I entirely agree with that one! A smart husband understands this concept.
Arman, if people head over heels in love would follow your three suggestions before tying the knot, my guess is that the divorce rate would drop about 80%. Thank you for sharing this helpful slice of wisdom.
Great article, Arman. Choosing to be with a partner for life can be scary. The same person, everyday. But the fact is, it’s never the same person. You will not be the same on the first day of marriage as you will be 50 years in. It’s how you grow together through all the things life may throw at you that really shapes not only who you are as a person but who you are as a couple. The vows we say can hit closer than we want sometimes…for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health…I have experienced them all. But a true marriage is built on stability, yes in each other, but it starts with the individual. If you truly know yourself and love who you are, the growth won’t be so scary. And each little thing you will go through together will create little scars. A toughness in places that matter. And that is where not only the love will grow, but the admiration for each other as well. Congratuations on your marriage. It’s the best (hardest!… well, besides kids… ;) thing you will ever do. I promise.💜
Marriage isn't a bed of roses. Unless both parties are committed to growth, I don't think it’s worth it. Also, after you have children your life changes forever. So, if you have kids, you need to find ways to keep the marriage alive — especially as it relates to emotional intimacy and sex. So many older couples suffer from ‘dead bed’. It doesn't have to be that way. It’s really a matter of priorities. We give attention to the things that matter to us. Also, if you're trying to finish up unfinished business with mom and dad, it wont work so well to do that with your spouse. That unfinished business needs to be resolved in therapy. We often project expectations onto our spouses that are unrealistic. We pine our hopes, dreams and often project romantic fantasies. I love the book, How to be an Adult in a Relationship by David Richo. It’s a good one. I learned so much about healthy love and relationships from that book. Relationships aren't easy, but when you truly love someone, you make an effort to stay faithful and loving towards them.
I will not either! I tell everyone of my friends if you want to get married because you want to be loved and accepted you are not ready to marry, if you want to love and cherish may be you are ready. Recently I told someone, love is not blind, infatuation is, love is knowing and recognising the good and bad, but still choosing to love and accept the person you marry for who he or she is. I am married for 35 years, we did not kill each other and hope to continue to love - choose to love and accept the other whether he is good or bad.
I'll say my first marriage ended after thirty years. I regret that. We grew apart and made many mistakes with each other. I still love that woman. I met another after a couple years. We were together for fourteen. She passed from cancer. I'm on my last now. Strangely we never fight nor do we raise our voices in anger. Our 2nd anniversary is Saturday the 21st. Solstice. I told my last wife we would be together until one of us died. I told Vicky (this one) that this time I must go first. The death of Renee hit me harder than the passing of my mother. Vicky is hereby bound to the world until I pass away. I've learned how to be a good husband and how to communicate and how to shut up. Respect for each other is ESSENTIAL. Avoid taking anything for granted. Love each other every day.